Quotes
By Jack Handey
Actually, not all of the following are from SNL. Many are from other idiot fans like myself. Unfortunately though, I lost the references. Submissions are welcome, but they better be good.
There are a lot of stupid Jack Handey quotes out there, but the following have all been filtered out. I consider them all to be funny. Bow down to my humour tastes.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people
23% of Perot voters say, "The candidate I vote for usually loses."
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of medical technician!
Stock up and save! Limit: one
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat ruffage!
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish.
I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.
You can't be late until you show up.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?
Don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed.
Disease and famine are stalking the country like two giant stalking things.
back to pearls
