Loser Culb to Launch New Reality Series

JANE FATALE
Reporter
Thursday, March 20, 2003

 

The Republic-owned Loser Culb (TSE:MOO) has signed a deal with Frox Networks to produce a new television reality series. Tentatively called "Survival of the Coolest", the series will feature ten real-life everyday losers who will live separately in various undisclosed locations in downtown Manhattan. The contestants will have to use their creativity and assets to promote themselves in the social world. Each week, viewers will be able to phone in their votes to kick out the contestant whom they deem to be the least impressive. This may include such factors as the suaveness, attractiveness, and wealth of the contestants.

Frox Networks has released the names and profiles of the ten contestants:

1. Steven, Self-employed programmer
He's 40 and loves freedom fries with gravy. Has never been freedom-kissed, or kissed at all, not even by family members.

2. Lilly, Office clerk
Is afflicted with a rare disease that causes heavy face and back acne, body odour, obesity, and a stutter.

3. Marianna, University Feed the Homeless Kittens Club president
She has braces, a soft squeaky giggle, and is vegan.

4. Fanny, Warehouse clerk
Her name is Fanny.

5. Janet, Co-op student
She runs the Loser Culb website.

6. Angie, Food server assistant
She's poor, and quite ugly.

7. Ben, Unemployed
He's poor, quite ugly, and unemployed.

8. Dennis, Unemployed
His last three rejections from women have all consisted of the phrase "Git dem disGUSTin' hands offa me, I can't stand yo' ugly broke-ass! You nasty!"

9. 50-cent, Rap star
Ridiculously wealthy, best-selling artist, probably soon to star in his own movie, and boasts jailtime and several bullet wounds.

10. Joe, Unknown occupation
He's illiterate and drools a lot.

Despite conspiracies surrounding other reality television series, Frox gives its promise that Survival is completely unscripted and unpredictable, kind of like an offensive nuclear bomb. Frox's colourful line-up of contestants appears promising and sure to open up many opportunities for humiliation and stereotypes.

The contestants met at a show premiere party last week, and expressed some of their anticipations for their upcoming venture.

Angie, Ben, and Dennis, the three who were officially dubbed "ugly" in their profiles, were being mocked by 50-Cent's friends for their ugliness. 50-Cent was, of course, dealing drugs to his friends, which immediately gave him a slight head-start on coolness.

When asked how she thought the show could have possibly afforded this big-name rapper, Janet, webmaster of the Loser Culb website, whispered "I don't think he knows he's on the show. It's kind of like our entire members roster." She slinked away for fear of being shot by the musician, who is also best friends with Eminem.

Steven, a software programmer, commented to the wall under his breath that he felt uncomfortable around people and wanted to be back masturbating at his computer. Joe, an illiterate, expressed similar woes but with more drool.

"I think Lilly's dead," remarked a Frox janitor who happened by.